who will let me sketch dandelions and stars on their skin with a 99c pen in the middle of the night when i’m too bored to sleep and it’s too hot for comfort? i need someone who will support these kinds of endeavors..
You’re not lost. You’re just finding. Be kind to yourself and understand this. Everyone is in the process of finding, no matter how knowledgeable they appear. Because the truth is that there’s no living without finding pieces of yourself scattered around the world. Keep at it; never stop finding.(via ku-o)
Cuando un caníbal come con cuchillo y tenedor, ¿se puede hablar de progreso?S. J. Lec / Pensamientos despeinados (fragmento)
And so I’ve realized that I want to be soft. It takes a lot of effort to be as hard as I am and it becomes tiring after a while. I want to be soft and I want my softness to make people melt into me. Some people break open rocks and mountaintops with their mouths; I flatten out hearts.The Attempt at Vulnerability (via oceanmmiri)
I want to learn how to melt and soften like clouds in July because I’m tired of staying solid for people who would love to have me raw and melted. I want to be soft because the world is hard enough. I want to be soft because life won’t do it for me. But it’s difficult. It’s difficult turning a diamond into dust.
This happened two nights ago, or was it three? Two nights ago. Sunday night. My friend left for Ohio yesterday morning and wanted to see me before she left. Her mother’s getting married for the second, third time. But this isn’t about her mother; it isn’t even about her. It’s about me. After everyone left, her brothers went to bed, we began talking in front of the driveway. “So is he, like, your boyfriend?” I asked. And she nodded her head as if she expected me to ask that question; so eager to respond, probably because she finally found someone who made her realize that there’s more to her than what her thighs had to offer. Or maybe she was quiet, more hesitant than she was expectant. I think she thought I was going to be judgmental. I could see why, though. Lately, I’ve been that way. When we got to talking about her boyfriend and herself, she began relaying her fears and doubts. The air was already thick—California nights have been too mysterious for me; I feel like I haven’t talked to the moon in days. When she was telling about her worries, the air was so thick but she was melting; vulnerable. I told her, “But it’s important to like yourself first, you know, before anyone else likes you, or before you like anyone else. You should be the first person you like; everyone else comes after.” But I was so translucent. As dark as the night was, I was so translucent. “I know I’m talking to you right now, and I’m looking at you,” I said, “But I’m really telling this to myself.” She nodded her head. She knew that I was willing to give a lot of myself and she knew the person who I was willing to give a lot of myself to and she knew that person probably wouldn’t do the same. “That makes a lot of sense,” she echoed. I’m sure I was translucent. After we parted ways, I re-obscured myself. All I’ve been thinking about since then is how to be translucent and obscured at the same time; to like myself and let another person, him, like me without giving too much with no reciprocation. And her mother’s getting married this week and she has a boyfriend and I’m simultaneously happy and sad; cluttered and refreshed; disappointed, excited, lazy, determined; entirely too translucent.
feeling nostalgic for a certain someone. said i’d talk to him but i think it’s about that time i just don’t. let’s not waste our voices on people who have their ears tuned in to someone else’s heartbeat, okay? because the moments we think are good are just practice. and the people who understand love won’t leave you feeling empty unless it’s when they’ve allowed you to love so much, and have given it in return, that you feel empty in the sort of way that the clouds float. like when you’re in an airplane and you wonder how things fly and keep their balance and drift and never fall. that kind of empty; the good empty. don’t waste your hands—fingers, the spaces in between them, your lovely palms and fragile wrists—on people who’s hands are busy stroking the invisible mountains, hills, crevices and curves of another soul. how can you feel nostalgic for another human being that isn’t yourself? sometimes i do miss myself—how i used to be, my old desires and old innocence—but to miss someone else who misses someone else? when i’m shoving memories and people and happiness into the corners of my mind just to make sure that there is enough room for him—that he is comfortable in my mind, has enough space to run through it, sleep in it, wake up and stretch in it, run through it again and again and again—only to be aware that, while he’s residing in my mind, someone else is residing in his? why am i wasting myself on someone who didn’t even ask to build a home inside of me; i built it for him, invited him in when he was trying to live somewhere else. now he’s looking for that other person—his dream home. so why am i adamant on having him stay? if he wants to leave, let him leave. we don’t make hummingbirds sleep next to vultures; we don’t cut off the wings of angels and tell them to watch over us. if he wants to leave, let him.
i had an ecstatic time in vegas. an absolutely spectacular, much-needed time there. i wish i could go into details but i’m in pain with cramps and i feel like a slug, haha. i couldn’t have asked for it to go better, though. the group of girls i went with were all fun. of course there was minor drama, but we got over it and always went back to our main motivation which was to have a good time. and i did. i had a splendid time and am glad i went despite minor could’ve-been-setbacks.
yesterday was a horrible day at work. one of my managers told me that she was “disappointed” in me because of something that was kind of out of my control. anyway, everything is changing there and nobody likes it anymore. a lot of the fun people have left and the fun managers have been replaced with new ones that are too strict and also not strict enough, if that makes sense. well, i’m thinking about looking for another job. though i’ve made a lot of friends there, my friendships have surpassed work, and it’s to the point where work is not the thing that ties us together anymore, but rather our relationship(s) that’ve been formed outside of it.
so my friend did commit suicide. apparently his mother found his body hanging last week or so. idk. i don’t know the details but, i mean, what can i do about it? other than accept that it’s happened, and hope that Jah will remember him in the future. i mean, i’m not sure how suicide works, tbh. it’s never happened to anyone i knew personally. so, with that being said, i hope he stays in Jah’s memory. i mean, when i asked my mom “why.. even after all he’s learned?” she said, “there’s a difference between learning something, and applying something to ur life. sometimes the world is too overwhelming and as much as people try to better themselves, it’s just too much.” and it made sense. it’s kinda like running a race with a backpack made from bricks and cement on. and even though you don’t wanna give up, you wanna keep running and you want so badly to take that backpack off and just run to the finish line, i guess it becomes physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. and it’s to the point where the only thing a person can do is quit? i’m trying to put it into perspective. bare with me..
today is my day. i slept in. i’m hungry. i’m broke. i have to clean the house and my room. i’m thinking about a lot of things but my head keeps going blurry and getting in the way of my thoughts.
i dont want to talk much to anyone. but i hope everyone had a decent week/weekend.
a rough night // i’m a mess and i dont know what to do
i just heard (yet to be confirmed) that this boy, a young adult, who I kind of befriended in my hall, committed suicide. i feel like throwing up. i’m sick to my stomach. the last time i saw him was two weeks ago. we spoke about his health, his nice tie, among other things. he said he “relapsed”- yeah, that word. and my sister and i supported him for showing up. he said he “relapsed,” i said he looked “dapper.” // he looked sick; lost a lot of weight, probably in addition to sleep and sanity. he carried himself like a gentleman that night, though. i missed him. i miss him //
i hope i can tell him how much i missed him. i hope i see him next week so i can tell him. i feel. n a u s e o u s
i leave for Vegas tomorrow. my mind feels like mush. i’ve cried a lot tonight. on top of that other new previously stated, there are quite a few other things that’ve been digging at life for me. i know i’ve been heading in the wrong direction, it just took some incredibly tough loving to get that through to me. i feel like a lot of things are spiraling out of control and living in this world is the number one contributor but that isn’t enough of an excuse to be the way i am. i need to fix myself and soon. i cried about a lot of things, everything, probably nothing- being broken and trying to fix myself and realizing that i can’t do it alone was one of them. i’m still crying- it’s just internal now. im in need of draining..
viva las vegas. goodnight.
in chronological order ::
i. the clouds looked like phoenix wings and we stood next to each other in the parking lot looking up at the moon, talking about the solar system and discussing the glow of the stars buried passed the haze of the night sky. || we entertained ourselves with talk of the past, talk of expansion and orbits and the dimension of time and how uncanny, almost uncouth, with a hint of simplicity the universe was. how people interact with each other- verbally and physically, and mentally; through emotions; on a spiritual level. || when the night grew from dusk to dawn we found ourselves hugging
ii. she whispered to me, “you’re glowing” in the middle of our meeting. “you’re glowing!” she repeated with a coy smile. the last time someone told me that, i was standing int he middle of a parking lot on the edge of tears, insanity, and ultimate forgiveness, attempting to piece together who i was with who i wanted to become
iii. “don’t you think you’re wasting your time?” i asked my mother the other morning before i left for work. she said yeah, nodded her head as she rested in her bed. i think she’s emotionally paralyzed. || lately i’ve been feeling like the mother and i wonder if she, the daughter. || confession: i’m not interested in kids
iv. my father told my mother that the problem with me is that i don’t grow. i never grow, that’s what he said. || we got into an argument because they didn’t like my lipstick. || i think i’m growing. because a year ago i was unemployed, out of school, and pursuing a relationship with depression. now, i’m just trying to pursue- whatever that means. god knows i don’t want to be shrinking- especially not in a world this big
Woman with a Head of Roses, 1935
[[I don’t know about my dreams
I don’t know about my dreaming anymore.
All that I know is
I’m falling, falling, falling, falling.
Might as well fall in.]]
where i’d like to go
rio de janiero
Cry oceans. Break things. Get angry.diabl // in counseling
I’ve been thinking about water a lot lately. And the moon. And how boys’ arms are so comfortable to wrap myself in. The way skin breaks so easily and how mine has been bubbling up lately. I’ve been thinking about what it means to be alone as opposed to being submerged in loneliness; the difference between love and lust; if I’m drained, tired, or sleepy because there is a difference. If being an extrovert with introvert qualities works in my favor. How this is the most money I’ve had in a while but I’m surprisingly disinterested in the fact. Why both my room and car are a disaster but I feel incredibly unmotivated to clean and organize either. Meanwhile, I believe I’ve been thinking about not enough things, or all the wrong things.