the only other number i have memorized aside from my family and my own is
- 800 588 2300
21 // humans are fluid and i'm attempting to grow
the only other number i have memorized aside from my family and my own is
feeling nostalgic for a certain someone. said i’d talk to him but i think it’s about that time i just don’t. let’s not waste our voices on people who have their ears tuned in to someone else’s heartbeat, okay? because the moments we think are good are just practice. and the people who understand love won’t leave you feeling empty unless it’s when they’ve allowed you to love so much, and have given it in return, that you feel empty in the sort of way that the clouds float. like when you’re in an airplane and you wonder how things fly and keep their balance and drift and never fall. that kind of empty; the good empty. don’t waste your hands—fingers, the spaces in between them, your lovely palms and fragile wrists—on people who’s hands are busy stroking the invisible mountains, hills, crevices and curves of another soul. how can you feel nostalgic for another human being that isn’t yourself? sometimes i do miss myself—how i used to be, my old desires and old innocence—but to miss someone else who misses someone else? when i’m shoving memories and people and happiness into the corners of my mind just to make sure that there is enough room for him—that he is comfortable in my mind, has enough space to run through it, sleep in it, wake up and stretch in it, run through it again and again and again—only to be aware that, while he’s residing in my mind, someone else is residing in his? why am i wasting myself on someone who didn’t even ask to build a home inside of me; i built it for him, invited him in when he was trying to live somewhere else. now he’s looking for that other person—his dream home. so why am i adamant on having him stay? if he wants to leave, let him leave. we don’t make hummingbirds sleep next to vultures; we don’t cut off the wings of angels and tell them to watch over us. if he wants to leave, let him.
it’s hard to live in the moment instead of live outside of it, looking in. but i want to. i wanna live in the moment, inside of it
i think the only fault in our stars is that we sometimes see them fall, but we never see them land.
so do we begin to feel as though once we fall, we only keep falling? and who told us to put so many of our beliefs, hopes, and truths in the stars— the things that don’t even breathe the same air as us.
do the stars sit up in the sky, making wishes on us late at night? are they aware of our existence?
i should’ve held cherubs in my rib cages but instead i piled dirty plates and dirty laundry, moldy food and stale water in there. i know they say your body is your temple but during that short period of time when i was lacking faith i saw my body crumble under the pressure of neglect. tears of dust puffing out my tear ducts; i let go of myself, became a ghost in myself, haunting myself, trying to get rid of myself in order to find myself. everything is backwards but there’s no point moving toward the past if it only runs parallel to the future.
i had an ecstatic time in vegas. an absolutely spectacular, much-needed time there. i wish i could go into details but i’m in pain with cramps and i feel like a slug, haha. i couldn’t have asked for it to go better, though. the group of girls i went with were all fun. of course there was minor drama, but we got over it and always went back to our main motivation which was to have a good time. and i did. i had a splendid time and am glad i went despite minor could’ve-been-setbacks.
yesterday was a horrible day at work. one of my managers told me that she was “disappointed” in me because of something that was kind of out of my control. anyway, everything is changing there and nobody likes it anymore. a lot of the fun people have left and the fun managers have been replaced with new ones that are too strict and also not strict enough, if that makes sense. well, i’m thinking about looking for another job. though i’ve made a lot of friends there, my friendships have surpassed work, and it’s to the point where work is not the thing that ties us together anymore, but rather our relationship(s) that’ve been formed outside of it.
so my friend did commit suicide. apparently his mother found his body hanging last week or so. idk. i don’t know the details but, i mean, what can i do about it? other than accept that it’s happened, and hope that Jah will remember him in the future. i mean, i’m not sure how suicide works, tbh. it’s never happened to anyone i knew personally. so, with that being said, i hope he stays in Jah’s memory. i mean, when i asked my mom “why.. even after all he’s learned?” she said, “there’s a difference between learning something, and applying something to ur life. sometimes the world is too overwhelming and as much as people try to better themselves, it’s just too much.” and it made sense. it’s kinda like running a race with a backpack made from bricks and cement on. and even though you don’t wanna give up, you wanna keep running and you want so badly to take that backpack off and just run to the finish line, i guess it becomes physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. and it’s to the point where the only thing a person can do is quit? i’m trying to put it into perspective. bare with me..
today is my day. i slept in. i’m hungry. i’m broke. i have to clean the house and my room. i’m thinking about a lot of things but my head keeps going blurry and getting in the way of my thoughts.
i dont want to talk much to anyone. but i hope everyone had a decent week/weekend.
a rough night // i’m a mess and i dont know what to do
i just heard (yet to be confirmed) that this boy, a young adult, who I kind of befriended in my hall, committed suicide. i feel like throwing up. i’m sick to my stomach. the last time i saw him was two weeks ago. we spoke about his health, his nice tie, among other things. he said he “relapsed”- yeah, that word. and my sister and i supported him for showing up. he said he “relapsed,” i said he looked “dapper.” // he looked sick; lost a lot of weight, probably in addition to sleep and sanity. he carried himself like a gentleman that night, though. i missed him. i miss him //
i hope i can tell him how much i missed him. i hope i see him next week so i can tell him. i feel. n a u s e o u s
i leave for Vegas tomorrow. my mind feels like mush. i’ve cried a lot tonight. on top of that other new previously stated, there are quite a few other things that’ve been digging at life for me. i know i’ve been heading in the wrong direction, it just took some incredibly tough loving to get that through to me. i feel like a lot of things are spiraling out of control and living in this world is the number one contributor but that isn’t enough of an excuse to be the way i am. i need to fix myself and soon. i cried about a lot of things, everything, probably nothing- being broken and trying to fix myself and realizing that i can’t do it alone was one of them. i’m still crying- it’s just internal now. im in need of draining..
viva las vegas. goodnight.
i. the clouds looked like phoenix wings and we stood next to each other in the parking lot looking up at the moon, talking about the solar system and discussing the glow of the stars buried passed the haze of the night sky. || we entertained ourselves with talk of the past, talk of expansion and orbits and the dimension of time and how uncanny, almost uncouth, with a hint of simplicity the universe was. how people interact with each other- verbally and physically, and mentally; through emotions; on a spiritual level. || when the night grew from dusk to dawn we found ourselves hugging
ii. she whispered to me, “you’re glowing” in the middle of our meeting. “you’re glowing!” she repeated with a coy smile. the last time someone told me that, i was standing int he middle of a parking lot on the edge of tears, insanity, and ultimate forgiveness, attempting to piece together who i was with who i wanted to become
iii. “don’t you think you’re wasting your time?” i asked my mother the other morning before i left for work. she said yeah, nodded her head as she rested in her bed. i think she’s emotionally paralyzed. || lately i’ve been feeling like the mother and i wonder if she, the daughter. || confession: i’m not interested in kids
iv. my father told my mother that the problem with me is that i don’t grow. i never grow, that’s what he said. || we got into an argument because they didn’t like my lipstick. || i think i’m growing. because a year ago i was unemployed, out of school, and pursuing a relationship with depression. now, i’m just trying to pursue- whatever that means. god knows i don’t want to be shrinking- especially not in a world this big
rio de janiero